You are very welcome destructivetaste.

I can understand how you stuffed it as you have described. But don't feel bad about that. It is really normal for someone who has been deeply injured to push the injury aside and try to have some sort of normal life.

The stuffing that you are talking about has a lot of feelings that are shame, abandonment, confusion, fear, and a hidden mistrust for the man you have now, all men are in someways a threat or lie or we can even ask, does he really love me, should I, can I allow myself to trust? Or even, would he hate me if he knew, would it be too much for him to understand or even comprehend on any level, would he think of me as a terrible person. Secretly I feel guilty in someway. Somehow I knew but I still allowed it to continue, why did I do that, does it mean that I too was no better?

I want you to keep something in mind. I want you to realize that even though you did allow it to happen, you were not a bad person. This situation is extremely difficult because it is normal for a woman to view the aspects of her father as a base to what a potential mate my be.
It is very convoluted for a young girl and this is what you are really looking at , yet you don't see it because you are now a woman and you have your husband and your own child.

The stuffing, the shame and guilt that you have been doing is that you have never really stopped loving your father. On some level, you did experience the common desire to please a parent. And this is where young women hide, stuff, evade and struggle emotionally. This is also where the life long guilt comes into play. And even, the life long moments of anger and even self hatred. The constant confusion about addressing this is because on some level you did love this parent and somehow, when that stopped and you knew better, you still morn it.

Because there was a separation at some point and the young woman may or may not have moved into the real lifetime partnership of marriage and children. There is still confusion about the relationship with the father.
This is because it never went to the next level, the normal level, the level that is part of reaching an age where we are programed to have children and a life long commitment around your own family atmosphere.

Often women talk about not really hating their father but hating what had taken place, that it was wrong and somehow they never really did please the parent on a normal level. This is a part of stuffing, confused feelings and not knowing where to put them, how to address them without being overwhelmed with anger, guilt, shame, and abandonment.

Because you never really pleased the parent normally you have a deep feeling of loss that you can't really put your finger on. You do still, on some level, love this person and yet hate him too. And you can't seem to put it into any kind of perspective, healthy perspective, so you stuff. It is that experience that you just can't seem to place and you can't seem to understand why.

But here is where you begin. Because it wasn't normal, and it was distorted you will have to understand that the process of unstuffing it and addressing it will have to allow you to finally understand that it really wasn't your fault. No matter what, it was never normal and your father, thru his own need, used all your desire to please a parent, be loved by a parent and feel safe with a parent for himself.

Women often search their childhood and get very confused and blame themselves and even want to destroy themselves because of what happened. Somehow, as they are now women, the just can't grasp the reality of it because their real instinct to please was very normal.

It is very common to view your body as the thing to blame, if only it wasn't pretty or just even there it would have never happened. But that is not true. As I mentioned in my last post, your body was every bit of a victim to, not a seperate entity.

When you go into therapy keep all of this in mind, and how unstuff properly and that you are really not a bad person at all. You really didn't know, even if you thought that somehow you did know but allowed it to continue. When you get to anger part, don't be too angry at yourself or let it drive you into a self destructive motion. It's ok to be angry but it TRUELY WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Open Eyes