I hope all of you realize, when I post these things, I'm not trying to blast my husband. I'm only trying to understand how he thinks, and since verbal communication is a weak area for him, he can't very well tell me.

Stoic personality. Won't admit to anything that might mean weakness. He's been sick for the past three days. Both on Thursday and on Friday, he came near to calling in, but decided to work anyway. (He's a bus driver. He promises he would call in if he felt so bad that public safety is compromised. Nothing has happened, and I do have to trust his judgment, but as someone who is unable to drive, the thought of riding a bus operated by an ill driver is a bit unnerving to me.)

Today is Saturday. He can't eat the supper I cooked. It's not the food, he assures me, it's just that he doesn't feel well. But yesterday he was perfectly fine to drive a bus? Why didn't he just doggone call in sick?

That's not all. In the time since we've been married, I've seen him lose both grandmothers and a dearly beloved uncle, and not act as if he feels a thing. Yes, I know. People have different grieving styles. He doesn't have to go into massive sobs. In fact, I couldn't even picture him doing that. It doesn't fit him. But... not even a sigh and a bowed head, or a few quiet, reflective moments alone? I don't understand that. One of his grandmothers saved his horrifically abusive childhood from being a *total* hell on earth. He adored her. But when she died, he acted like nothing happened.

When our elderly cat had a stroke, a little over a year ago, we almost lost her. As she lay unconscious, he patted and stroked her, silently saying his goodbyes, and his eyes were wet. It was a moving scene. Well, to confess to my own part, I probably shouldn't have mentioned it later, but when I did, it was only to tell him I understood his feelings. Tuffy is such a loving companion, and he has had her for 8 of her probably more than 13 years. But no-no-no, impossible, I was looking at him wrong. No tears in HIS eyes. Ever. For any reason. Not even if it is perfectly human and understandable, and would actually even make me love him more than I do already. I have always had much more respect for a man who will show his emotions than for one who won't. It takes a big man to go ahead and cry. It takes a wimp to be afraid someone is going to call him a wimp if he does.

Why does it bother me so much? Maybe because he won't be vulnerable and let me feel needed? He is perfectly willing to be there for me to lean on, but he makes it clear that he certainly doesn't ever need to lean on me. Well, what am I here for, then?