I have no job. I don't get SSDI. I have been told I might qualify for SSDI. Even, one counselor (in Nov. of 2009) told me to apply and sent me to an advocacy agency that would guide me through. It just didn't seem to me that I was too disabled to work. In less than 3 months, I was back working. So I thought that I was glad that I didn't take the advice of the counselor. It was a good paying job. Well, 3 months later, I was out of work again. I haven't worked since.

I've supported myself by going through all my savings. I cashed in my IRA. Not that I had a lot saved. But enough for me to live off for months. I figured that I would eventually get a job. Over the past 15 years, I took easier and easier jobs because employers would tell me that I wasn't coping and they would ask for my resignation, or I would offer it. The last job I had was about the easiest job that a person in my field can do. And I managed to not cope well with that. So, since I lost that, I feel like I would not have the references to get another job. Also, I fear failing at a job again, like has happened over and over.

So, I got no job and no money left. My rent is paid for May. I got enough food in kitchen to last me a month. I get a small unemployment check. I will qualify for some food stamps. My employer is appealing to Unemployment Insurance, saying I should not get any benefits because they say I was let go from my job for good reason. (That's debatable.) They may win the appeal, then I won't have even that little income.

I live alone and there is no one to help me support myself. I could borrow some money from a sister who lives far away and has no idea the straights I am in. I don't see how I could ask her for money, when I see a good chance I might never pay her back.

June will put me in a crisis. I am actually thinking that eventually (like in June) I may put my furniture in storage and present myself to a shelter. (I am well on in years, but not old enough to collect regular Social Security.) I could borrow enough to pay storage for a few months. I wouldn't feel bad borrowing that small an amount. Then I could just sell the stuff, if it looks like I will not be finding a way out of the shelter. I've slept at that shelter a few times in the past. It's okay to sleep in. The lavatory facilities are kind of gross. The food was inedible. (But, I would have food stamps to eat with.) They don't let you stay there in the daytime. I could go read at the library . . . or sit in a park.

A law firm said they had a good chance of getting me SSDI in a matter of months. I don't believe that was said in good faith. I've been advised that it could take 2 years. So the plan I outlined above is what I've come up with in answer to the question I ask myself, "What if I get to where I literally can't pay my rent?"

At times, I can seem so well, that no one would think I couldn't find a job. Maybe they could be right. Maybe, I just gave up.

My sister would lend me a substantial amount if it was to get on my feet and then be okay. I may not ever be okay again. So, I would not just take her money, knowing that. I wouldn't want her to even know how low I have gone down. Partly, I would not want to worry her. Also, I think she'ld be pretty disgusted that I got to where I am. All my life I feared this and fought against getting this low. Now I feel so tired and don't see that I will ever work at a responsible job again. I went to Goodwill to be in one of their programs; they got a waiting list. Seems like in June - I'm going to be in a jam where I might as well go to the street and maybe work myself up from there. Maybe, if I truly had nothing, I might qualify for more help.