I'm getting upset again because it seems like people don't miss me. People don't even care that I'm gone. This makes me feel like hurting myself.

I keep having this urge to e-mail the administrator, but I really need to stop that. I think I may be going insane...thinking I have a relationship with the admin or something....thinking he is my friend.

I wonder if one day he will just get fed up at my messages and turn me in to the police or something.

I felt like e-mailing him again, so instead of doing that I'm posting here. I hope people don't mind if I use this thread to post these things.

I'm just so upset. I hate being punished. I'm not used to punishment. I was never punished as a child. To me, punishment means that the punisher hates me or wants bad things to happen to me. He said he doesn't , but it is still difficult to fathom.

What do I do for 4 weeks? How do I cope with this banishment? I miss familar posters there. I miss the atmosphere. I miss the format of the boards there.

I need to concentrate on my studies, but I'm afraid this upset will distract me. I tend to get upset at night, when I'm going through the boards.

I need to distract myself. I'll distract myself with psychcentral. I need to make some friends here. Right now I get random people who post supportive things to me, but it means so much more when there is a prior relationship. It means a lot to me for example, when gardenergirl posts to me, because she knows me.

There are good intentions behind the other posts, but they are just not the same. I need to have a history with them first.

I need to make a history with new posters. This is why I want to get to know people here better via PM. I want people to get to know me and me them. That way our support to each other will mean so much more.

I feel lonely. I wish I wasn't blocked. I'm starting to think I'm a hopeless case. When will I ever learn to be less impulsive and think before I post? I don't know how to be less impulsive. Maybe I need more SSRIs or something.

I have a feeling this thread is going to be very long. I know I need to vent here.

I feel bad.

I want to feel good.