In my humble opinion this is an issue that needs to be dealt with promptly and aggressively. For a couple to be close their needs to be mental, emotional and physical closeness. If physical closeness deteriorates then frustration sets in and it can begin to erode your emotional closeness. Before you know it there is no relationship left. And, to the extent that your husband won't really talk about it I think the relationship is in trouble if you don't do something about it.

The mind can be your most pwerful sex organ. For it is the images that your mind creates and the feelings that you experience that allow you to enjoy sex and reach completion. It may be possible that your husband finds the need to create his own images or fantasies in order to ejoy sex and reach completion. His harmless solo efforts have now taken control over his desire to be with you. He would rather be on his own. I share your frustration. In my opinion sex and physical intimacy should be the EASY part of any relationship. Afterall doesn't everyone love sex? But, I for one was in a marraige where my partner had many hang ups about sex and our sex life was boring to say the least. And, I have been in another relationship where I loved the person dearly but they simply did not have the same level of libido as I did. And, in both cases it can be extremely frustrating. Then, teh frustration leads to resentment. Then the emotional closeness breaks down.

You may see if you can get your husband to agree to counseling. Or, at the very least why don't you try and take more control over when and how you have physical intimacy. Arrange for something very special for him, something you think he would like. A massage with candles lit all around, you dress up, use your creative juices.

I think it is critical to find out why your husband pleasures himself when he does not want to be with you. It seems as though you want to have sex so that is not the issue. It could be as simple as your husband loves you and is faithful to you but has trained his mind to create images in his head in order to complete the act. If that is the case it is a matter of retraining. Try getting a little crazy, creative, make sex fun and different... make it so great that he will think of sex with you and you only and will give his hand a rest.

Good luck.