I am glad that you wrote this! I am a little compulsive in my behaviors as such that I can never get it through my thick skull that i have locked a door at night. I will check the door 10 times before bed and then lie there and wonder if i shut the door. I can not walk by the sink when there is dishes,the sink always has to be clean. I admire that you take the time to be a clean person. I am very judgemental when it comes to a friends dirty house. There are other behaviors that I will deem as compulsive and I do not have any suggestions on how to cure them but to tell you to hang in there.
I think about my age once in a while, I am 32 getting married to a older woman who is going on 39 this year. I have put on pant sizes since i was 18 and have started to salt in my hair. I look at the what i call frustration wrinkles on my forhead and wonder where the years have gone. But, I also look forward to the years to come.I have lived a hard life of drug abuse and bypolar issues. Getting older should be like a bottle of wine that ages better over the years. I try every day to pick just one thing that i liked or saw or did. It helps to put a smile on my face and lets me know that my day was worth living! And if nothing happened or came to mind i will turn on some music and let the day go.
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Originally Posted by whenwillitend
I have a couple of things that are bothering me. First, I feel like I'm never good enough. To be exact, I want to have the perfect (clean) house, be the perfect wife and mother, I want to be a Stepford Wife! That's my goal. But it's unattainable, and it's driving me nuts that I keep reaching for that goal and just can't get there. I am totally obsessed with having a clean house. I can never relax, because there's always something left to do. I know it's because that's how I was raised, but that's also driving me nuts, that I can't just sit down and relax. I have totally unrealistic expectations in myself. I don't expect others to be like that, I don't care if someone else's house is dirty or clean. But mine has to be. (And it's not that it would make me feel superior or anything like that if I had the perfect house, it would just give me the right to relax, to just breathe.)
The other thing is that I am absolutely TERRIFIED of getting old. I am 36 now, and I feel like my life is almost over. My hair is turning grey. Gravity is starting to take its toll, especially after two kids. Getting old scares me to death. Not being able to walk fast anymore (I'm not at that point yet), or run, or do anything else physical, sports. Losing my teeth. That's a huge one! I have a lot of weight to lose, and it makes me so sad that even if I get back to my early marriage weight, I will never be "hot" again, like I was then. People my age, or older, aren't "hot" anymore. "Attractive" is as good as it gets. "Not showing her age". It makes me so sad that there are a lot of clothes I can't wear anymore, simply because I'm too old. I have lots of clothes still from when I was younger, and skinny. Even if I lose all the weight, I will never be able to wear them anymore. They're all just memories now. Memories of the life I used to have. I feel like I've lost half my life to this stupid depression. Wasted time. years spent just simply surviving.
I hope I didn't offend anyone with any of this. I just had to get all this off my chest. It's been bothering me for a long time.
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