The first stage of being diagnosed can be scary, cause denial, resentment, anger, guilt, shame and these are all things we feel about it. There is no reason for you to be so hard on yourself. If you had cancer would you call yourself crazy or lazy because you just found out that you have some significant health concern and it's a scary thing to have a doctor tell you have and you were having a hard time coming to terms? Take the time you need to come to terms with this. Don't let other's make it more complicated then it already is. Don't be hard on yourself for feeling the way you do. Allow yourself the time you need to come to terms with this and then once you understand and aren't so afraid and confused and angry and hurt you will learn how to recognize the little nuances your illness has because each of us struggle a little differently. I have, after 10 years of hard work by myself and my support team, come to see when I am cycling and though I can't always stop the cycle, it doesn't scare me like it used to. The feelings I have learned to kind of appreciate. The pain I feel when I am depressed reminds me I am alive like someone pinching me in a dream. When I am manic I am so creative and I accomplish things that in hindsight I look back at and am amazed and wonder to myself, "Did I really make or write that?", I work with wood and write novels and music. I have felt more alive in my 37 years, and lived so vivid a life I sometimes wonder how others live in their bland unaffected worlds. I hate it sometimes but it is also responsible for some of the few moments of greatness I have accomplished in my life. I hope one day you can find some small peace in it. Until then treat yourself kindly, don't let others heap on your pile and know that you are learning something new and deeply profound in your life. You will be better for knowing in the end. Shalom.