Thank you, Tara

Reading your sensible reply, I am asking myself - can I change my mindset? There is so much shame that goes with my failure. I have heard that a lot depends on what one's own pdoc says. Mine doesn't seem to think that I should have too much difficulty finding another job. I am an older woman with a history of job failures over the past 10 years. He has diagnosed me with "Severe Depressive Disorder." I am not a good advocate for myself. I even said to my pdoc (a 3rd year resident) that I think it is lack of character that is part of my problem. He agreed. Yes, I am my own worse enemy at times. But I try so hard to be honest and take so much responsibility for me being where I am at.

The case manager at the facility where I get my psych care closed my file saying, "You have too much education . . . . and you have not been hospitalized very often. You won't qualify." Others have told me different. I get my care at a public medical center, which I have access to based on indigent status. This place may not be too supportive of my getting SSDI.

The last job loss really traumatized me. It sent me to the public mental health center. It was very hard to go there, because I once worked there. My past association with this place seems to be affecting me in a way that is not good. I don't think I would ever seek in-patient hospitalization there. On some occasions when I probably should have, I did not because of my past connection.

I do believe that, while some of this mess I am in is related to my long standing psychiatric problems, I also think I have been irresponsible and have serious character deficits. By that, mainly, I mean I think I haven't been trying hard enough. So I get thinking that I don't deserve anything from anybody.