Hi Notsohopeful,
I can relate to your situation...I recently had the same discussion with my fiance because I was not happy with our sex life. I asked him out of curiousity how often he "took matters in his own hands" and he said probably a couple of times a week. Which is fine, whether that number is accurate or not...but we weren't having sex on a regular basis. He knows I have a high sex drive and rarely turn him down (unless i'm sick or something). So, I was hurt that he was spending his sexual efforts on himself, and not on me! I know I could do the same, but to me sex is more about physical and emotional intimacy rather than just a physical release (which i understand now it is more of the release for guys).

Anyway, I just sat him down and we talked about it. It wasn't easy, as I'm sure you can imagine, because it is a personal and private thing. And, like I said, if i was happy with our sex life, I wouldn't really care how often he went solo. But, the fact is that I wanted more sex. We have been making more of an effort to have sex and things have gotten better.

Honestly, there really is no solution if you can't communicate with him. He either needs to talk to you or talk with you and a counselor. In my opinion, "I don't know" is not a fair answer to give you! You deserve more than that, you are one half of the relationship. Would that be an acceptable answer for him if it were the other way around?

One other thing struck me about your post...you said at the end you don't want to lose him...why would you think this was a possibility?

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this, I completely understand how that feels. And it did take a lot of courage to talk to my fiance about it, but I felt better afterwards. I hope you will be able to find a way to improve communications with your husband and that things will get better for you soon!

Hugs to you!

Survivor