I found it wasn't something I could imagine, kind of like imagining being old we think we can see what it might be like but when we experience it, it's something totally different.

My experience is (I finished with therapy 5-1/2 years ago, the summer of 2005) that most of the "little" things that were bothering me, the constant self-doubt in my head? all those "voices" critiquing everything I said, did, what "they" said, did, etc.? are not there anymore. Don't know where they went :-) or when they went but all the jittery jumping up and down that use to happen in my head is now isn't there, it's a good quiet, I can think about whatever I want and concentrate on it or not as I choose, my head space is mine. The worst behavior that drove me to therapy in the first place is nowhere to be found and though I'm still a bit anxious at times, it's usually a "normal" anxiety that I'm pretty sure most people get before trying a new thing, meeting a new person, etc. It doesn't get in my way (I had to give a talk before 50-100 professionals as part of a panel about myself/my experience and forgot what I was saying, totally froze (remember, I was talking about myself, my experience), but then was able to recover and continue and gave a successful talk with question and answer period afterwards I contributed to!). Anything I decide I want to do/try/say, I can do/try/say it!

My T, had a dream about her just night before last, the 5th or 6th I've had in the last year or two. I think about her and our time together (18 years :-) and it was a big part of my life, but it's like friends I rarely see or other people I have known in my past, part of my past experience but I am now facing forward. Yes she helped me become who I am now but so did X number of friends, bosses, mentors, teachers, relatives, etc. who have been in and out of my life and while they were in my life, had a large profile? Reminds me of one of my favorite .gif files: