You know egoalien I am really glad you brought that up, especially using both of those words.

While I have addressed that fact that yes, the behavior is in fact normal.
The fact that you and Lava and others including me have experienced abuse as well, we do have an inner voice of hypervigillance.

In fact when I really think about it, one of things that I seem to need to do is find ways of proving the existance of abusive situations. Because I experienced abuse in a secuded fassion, many times having no witness, I do have developed ways of providing some sort of witness. I save telephone messages, and am on my second phone because the first one if full of some sort of attack or proof of what I am addressing.

I, infact have a great sense of relief that when I witnessed the dog chasing my horses and ponies and causing damage, my husband was with me. This was a profound experience for me and the one time I experienced something bad happen, and was not alone. I hang on to that constantly and it is somewhat very validating for me. If I had been alone,
I would have been in great fear that all that I had seen would have been
misunderstood and invalidated by others especially the perpetrator.

I know that what I am dealing with now is still attached to old intrusions.
I am in a similar situation where it is a he said she said circumstance and
the damage is significant.

So, in many ways, I am currently fighting something now but also remembering similar situations in my past. So, in many ways I am in a battle of separating what is normal and the high level of hypervigilance that is also occurring.

I am trying very hard to stay grounded and every chance I get I do make efforts to move forward in a grounding state of mind.

At first I was so overwhelmed by not only grief and shock but an anger that completely depleated me to the point where I was so exhausted that I had no more energy to deal at all. So, I ended up going to the hospital, where, the anger was infact still very predominant and also, extremely misunderstood.

I have come to know on every level how destuctive the emotion of anger is and it is extremely draining. Every day I am tested in that very area and emotion as I am still seeing the damage that has been caused.

I am tapping on every possible strength within to keep anger at bay and move forward. I have to admit that it is a day to day struggle as I have to continue to deal with not only the damage but the ongoing expense and seeing the abuser ever single day, seemingly enjoying their life in a normal way. I am also in a legal battle that keeps pulling me into the damage and constantly addressing it and that too is extremely exhausting.

I really try to find strength in how long this process is taking and all I can say is that the time has been somewhat a friend in that it is allowing me to sort out and control the emotions. I now know that if everything had moved faster, I would probably have not held up.

I want to thank everyone for helping me, and giving me a reason to keep trying. Every little bit has helped, even the negative has given me a recognition of what I can not let out a reminder of how it will weaken my efforts to address my situation with more strength as I move thru it.

Thank you egoalien,

Open Eyes