I will try so hard to make this obviously complicated issue as brief as possible. I have read so much about BPD over the years, as I have been diagnosed myself, but am now finding out something new which leaves me with lot of questions.

My brother and I share many of the same characteristics though his have always been much more intense, much more obvious to other people than mine. I have never doubted that BPD is a serious issue for him, and our relationship, like most of his, has been tumultuous to say the least. In the past few years he has moved away, and pretty much cut off contact with his family- living alone and I believe drinking a lot etc..., though he does keep a job. Any attempts made to help him out have been met with quick temper, denial that he can be helped, that everyone is messed up etcc. Then right before you disengage with him he makes a point of once again telling you how miserable and pathetic is, that he basically lives his life "curled up in a hole." It has been very frustrating.

We grew up with a mother who basically did not care for us, at least in any emotional/physical sense at all. (I am 50 and really only remember 1 hug from her- when my dad died.) My whole life I have been struggling with all of this invalidation and depression and anxiety and yadda yadda...so much for being brief!

Anyway, I have an older brother as well, very different than me and my younger one, who is currently visiting our mother. Yesterday she just said to him, well- "I don't know if you knew about what happened to your brother when he was 12?" Apparently there was some sort of sexual abuse, but she did not elaborate at all. I have no idea how long she has known this. It once again brings up all kinds of questions for me about
childhood etc.. My mother NEVER talks about feelings. Ever. EVER

I guess what I am asking is this: would my brother still be the way he is if this had never happened to him? Has this abuse defined his life? I do understand that people react differently to trauma and their surroundings/parenting etc.. He refuses to get any help at all, and seems destined to keep living this way. As much as I understand this is all so complicated, and shame can be a big issue, but to be honest I find it quite odd that he has never mentioned it to me. When have been quite close over the years, sharing our feelings etc, and he has been quite upfront about listing every single other thing that has gone wrong in his life- over and over again. Decades ago I was part of a treatment plan he was in- "the family member."

I apologize for the length of this post, but thanks for listening. I think I just really needed to put it down on paper. I feel just sick about all of this; it breaks my heart and I feel guilty about being so frustrated by him. Then at the same time I am confused about the personal responsibility in helping yourself to feel better. That whole mental health issue that I know so well; how much can you expect people who can't help themselves to be able to do that when they need to do? I myself go back and forth with this all of the time. Why can one person move forward and another can't? How do you cross that line and make it stick?

And finally, I just can't let my mother not be a factor in all of this. She has chosen to have very little to do with all of us kids, and her grand kids as well. Ahh. I best not get started on that one.