((hayward))

I am very similar to your brother, hayward. While I've been seeking professional help for the past 30 years, I have pulled myself back from my family. I have a history of sexual abuse that began in early childhood and continued to occur through early teen years. I talked about some parts of my life regularly, but other parts were held very deeply inside of me (repressed & forgotten repeatedly).

I know that that it may seem strange why your brother would expose some pieces of his life relentlessly. I have struggled with my memories and shame for many years which caused the same tendency within myself. My reason: incest between my brother and I, starting when I was 5 or 6 years old. Very deep shame and self-hate seem to be glued to these memories of my brother and I. Just thinking about it, or writing it in here, brings on shivers. I fear SO MUCH that others will either say, "Oh, it's no big deal. Kids do that stuff." OR "You're disgusting! How could you have known how to do such things??"

The fears are incredibly intense ~ so, I don't like to talk about it. At all!! I wish that these memories and thoughts would just leave me already. But, since I began talking about the experience in therapy (a year or so ago), the memories have not stopped. Their power over me are just as strong as ever. I may be 40 years old, but on the inside, I am still a little girl. I therefore cannot stand the thought of being with my sick family. They probably don't all deserve to be ignored, but each of my family members do bring back sick memories and are somehow or another connected to the dark past.

I don't know if me sharing my past helps you understand or not. I hope that it does! They are hard memories to hold onto. We don't really have a choice now. It is over. It is in the past. What we do have control over, is how we choose to deal with our memories (and baggage) from the past. Personally, I hope that I can someday accept my baggage and have the strength to deal with my family more healthily. I am now willing to give myself more time to adjust to the memories.