My hair pulling has got to the point where it's affecting my ability to study (staring into space pulling my hair out instead of writing, which is what I should be doing) and I'm finally beginning to accept that it's making the RSI (repetitive strain injury) in my hands and arms worse - there have been times where I've started to lose feeling in my fingers while I've been pulling my hair and it's not enough to make me stop until the pain in my hand becomes too much, which scares me.

I've been considering going back into therapy again - I've been to two psychologists and a counsellor before. The first time I saw a psychologist (aged 17) helped a lot for the hair pulling - I managed to stop for about a year, and it might have stopped for longer had my dad not effectively pulled me out of my sessions. The counsellor and the second psychologist I saw last year (aged 19 and 20) - didn't tell my dad this time because I was at uni and living away from home. The counsellor didn't help for the hair pulling (although she did help in other ways); the psychologist did, although not as much as last time - I only managed to stop for 5 weeks at a time at the most. (He terminated my sessions after a couple of months, and I relapsed not long after.)

Problem is, though, in a couple of weeks I'll be going home for the summer, which would mean that if I did go back into therapy I'd have to tell my dad - I don't think he'd stop me (I'd pay for the sessions myself so he wouldn't have the excuse of it costing too much) but it would make my summer pretty miserable, or at least awkward - and I don't know if it would actually help seeing as it didn't do all that much last time. I'll also be very limited who I can see because there aren't many therapists near my home (the one who I saw aged 17 isn't there any more) and I'll be working full time so would need an evening appointment. Waiting times for NHS appointments are probably too long for it to be worthwhile getting referred - I'll only be there between May and August - and dad would have even more of a problem with me going NHS because then it'd be on my medical records. (He doesn't know that it is on my medical records already, the second psychologist I saw was NHS... )

Ideally I'd stop on my own so that then I know I can do it - but I've done this before and have still started up again, which I suspect is what the problem is this time, I've lost my motivation because based on past experience I know that it won't last. My boyfriend's been great about it since I told him, and will physically remove my hand from my hair if necessary when he's around, but I can't rely on him babysitting me 24/7, I need to be able to do this myself.

But it feels like I've tried everything and it hasn't worked, this has been going on for years and I've only once managed to stop for any significant length of time. I'm destroying my hands and it's my own fault for not trying hard enough.