Not really sure where to put this post. So the "general" category seemed like a good idea. Mostly, I just wanted to see if anyone understands this.

I went to therapy today. When I went earlier in the week I was much worse. But today was a little better. However, I have been desparate. In fact, when I went before I fully expected to be admitted somewhere right then and there. Not that I wanted to be- but in all honesty an escape didn't sound like a bad idea.

So I went in today, and although am less in the "fog", I left feeling like I wonder if I actually attempted suicide, I'd get some help. and.. since I haven't been eating due to depression/anxiety I thought maybe when i become skinny and sick...then someone will help.

Fact is, I know my therapist cares and is not holding out on me when it comes to help. I know my family loves me, and they are not holding some magic formula that could help me and refusing to give it to me. Yet I still feel like crying out... BEGGING for help. But there is none. There's got to be something inside of me that changes. That changes my attitude and my thoughts and really... the help that I'm going to get, relies on me.

and that is a very, scary, disheartening thought. An attempt at suicide, starving myself to death, it's not going to change anything... I'm not going to get any more help than I already am, because there is none out there.

And though I am a Christian, I am tired of hearing to rely on God, and surround myself with positive people, etc... etc... I hate being around people. In a way it's a relief- to know that I can stop looking for that person out there who will save me from myself. And in a way it's terrifying. Because I don't think I can save me. So know what do I do.