so i couldn't put this off, it would be unprofessional to leave him in a lurch thinking i was wroking on the newsletter so here's what i emailed tonight: (the names have been bleeped to protect the innocent"

<font color=blue>>>"Glad to hear you want to do the newsletter, here are the parts. When can you have a proof?"

hi ****, sorry there seems to have been a disconnect here. i would like to work on the newsletter but won't be able to handle this months on such short notice. this has been a particular bad week and i haven't slept all week, bad change of medication and they are changing again as of yesterday so hopefully this will sort out this issue for me by the end of this week, but so far been really brutal with no sleep. in any case i emailed about doing the newsletter back in october and it was october 30th that you emailed me back agreeing to send me the stuff to do it so i was taken off guard by receiving this email suddenly.. i know you like the newsletter to go out on the 15th and given this weeks "crisis" with my new doc and med change can't guarantee anything that quick for this. sorry for not being able to take care of this one.

if you want me to maybe we can plan for the next one. at the very least i need my dvd back with the templates for the newsletter and stuff or else i'll have to search for them through my backups. **** is supposed to bring my stereo from work at some point to me or to ***** {mutual friend-ed.} for me so maybe he can bring the disk then too. if you want me to work on this check with me about a week before next months stuff is ready so i can let you know if i'm prepared and able. i need that disc back anyway so hopefully **** can bring it.

hope you and everyone there is well.</font color=blue>

I hope that's ok and doesn't come off as sarcastic, it was hard, and its late so i hope i didn't misjudge.

Some quick responses:

>>(I am assuming he knows about your illness?) yes my boss knows what is going on, he even came to visit me in the hospital.

>>the thought that popped into my mind is are they informed as to what depression "really" is? the ones i cared about were interested and i offered them the paper i wrote on depression. i didn't write it for them, i wrote it for some people in my groups, it seemed to fill a void, but when the people i considered friends asked i pointed them to it.

one of the guys at work is sympathetic but clearly does not get it. i'm sure he hasn't done anything to educate himself. he apologizes for not understanding but that's about it. the other one did read my thing and he commented on it some point later. he's the one i think may be uncomfortable visiting but talking with him back then he did take the information to heart. he in fact did visit me a few times early on so i'm not sure if it got too much for him or if it is just that i'm not important enough for anyone to try to make time. that was a good sign when he talked about my paper but then he completely disappeared, not even offering to bring the stuff he had promised.

>>The only advice I can think of at this time is to make a visit into work? way too much anxiety out of the question. seeing everyone at once would make all my blood drain, seeing the place there are a lot of changes, i feel left out and that hurts too, plus there is the issue with the person i originally had the blowup with that led to all this in the first place. i know all this because i had tried to go back to work, just part time after daily iop sessions, and even an hour a day there was too much after two days, plus the person with the issue, who used to be my friend, wouldn't even talk to me, didn't even say hello back to me though i made it a point to go in her office and say hello. i'm sure that is the person who tells people i "no longer work there" when one of my friends tried to reach me there a while ago.

i'm really torn between making any attempt to make this work job-wise, trying to make this work friendship-wise, or just cutting the cord and not looking back which would be difficult too but may be healthiest for me.

The stuff that the guy was supposed to bring me from work, the stuff itself isn't a huge issue (as long as i get it back eventually) its the fact that he said he would bring it by and then bailed, because thats what everyone has been doing and it really hurts, and is killing my capacity to trust or love. aside from my financial worries that's what i meant when i said if i get through this but loose everything in the process then it won't be much of a victory for me.

I haven't even tried for bed yet, gonna wait a little while and try for maybe a few hours uninterrupted.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
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