I'm managing to hold off on hospitalization. Still, I see it as possible for me to accept. You see, prior to talking it out on PC, I had it ruled out as just something I would never again do. In 2004, I found it excruciatingly embarrassing. (Knew too many people there.) Yet, something very good came out of it. A wonderful resident, who seemed to care, got me referred to the Partial Hospitalization Program, which was extremely worth participating in. And I got a lot better. It was intensive, 5 days/week, for like 6+ hours/day. I even was managing to work quite a bit on the weekends.

I try to tell myself - "You can't predict what will or won't happen." That program, PHP - mentioned above, has been either gutted or eliminated. My doctor is supposed to call me back within 48 hours of my calling the Center, requesting a call back. I think it's gone way past that amount of time, but not getting calls returned is not surprising for this facility. I'm not in "imminent danger." If they are crowded, that would be their criteria for admission.

3 days ago, I did go to the crisis triage area. The nurse and pdoc there were way more concerned and empathetic than I expected. Even though I denied any self harm intent. They seemed to feel that I've been underdiagnosed. It was such a non-scary experience going to triage that I started this thread, thinking I might be able to face going in. My hope would be that a better assessment would be done if I did go in. Out-patient, where I get seen about every 45 days, is not understanding that I am facing crisis. I'm not doing a good job of resolving that. Maybe they can help, maybe not. Last night, I said "Well, just go get a job and everything will be okay." I'll manage to believe that for a few hours. But the fear I have becomes overwhelming.

This is a lot of dithering around that I am doing by myself. Today, I see a T for 45 minutes. I'm not funded to see him very often. Also, once before when I got distraught, he told me he isn't comfortable doing "crisis intervention." I think: "What am I going to say to this T?" He gets upset so easily, I worry about troubling him.