Greetings-
I just needed to share somewhere the whole truth-
I am a recovering alcoholic with 28 yrs of sobriety. A little over a year ago I had "a breakdown" and ended up hospitalized for two weeks for the first time in my life. Since then, it has been comming out of the fog and getting back on my feet.
Here is the deal. I havent been working my program the way I was a few years before. I have become complacent. I've lost faith in a "higher power" or at least a personal one. Sometimes I think because that is how I really feel, other times I wonder if it is because I like to "be in control" (well, yes, that too)
I still go to meetings, I sponcor a few women and I am currently chairing my homegroup.
I go to meetings and here people talk about depression is just self-pity (yes, I can see that) and to get out of myself. I start thinking I need to work a better program and just get off my medications and I would probably be much better off. I was diagnosed with Bipolar II but then my dr. switched it to mood disorder NS. Whatever. So it really makes me wonder that my real problem is my lack of willingness.
I will take the opportunity to say this as I wrap this up-I am so bored. I havent been really stable with taking my meds. I like the "jazzed up" feeling I get. My dr. always says, Yes, I know you do, but then you always crash" So for the past month I have been taking an ungodly amount of Seroquel (600 mg) and he started me on Lamictal. I crashed into a depression-but for the past few weeks I am just more " I just don't care alot one way or the other" I miss the "high" feeling. I want that energy back. I feel better about things. And about myself. I am wanting to go off my meds, just to get that better feeling again, then I will go back. I hate this ****. My program tells me that is not right for me to do. Honesty and all that. But I think, I am being honest-I honestly want to feel better than this. And I am aware that it is because I am bored -don't have much excitement in my life, even though I work in the ER.
t is hard to seperate. Alot of times when I am at meetings I think, The things I am bieng medicated for are things other people are working the steps on. IF I was more loving and tolerant of others, I wouldn't be so self obsessed. If I thought more of others. If I let go more. If I, If I.... my sponcor encourages me to take my meds. She is a nursing instructor. I just don't know. BUt I do know I son't like this spot that I am in.
Anyway-etremely long post. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to spill. If I hallucinated or something really bad, I would know that I needed more than the steps-but I dont. So there it is.
I hope everyone has a really good day. Thanks again for letting me post.