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Originally Posted by beautifuldisaster78
Not really sure where to put this post. So the "general" category seemed like a good idea. Mostly, I just wanted to see if anyone understands this.
I went to therapy today. When I went earlier in the week I was much worse. But today was a little better. However, I have been desparate. In fact, when I went before I fully expected to be admitted somewhere right then and there. Not that I wanted to be- but in all honesty an escape didn't sound like a bad idea.
So I went in today, and although am less in the "fog", I left feeling like I wonder if I actually attempted suicide, I'd get some help. and.. since I haven't been eating due to depression/anxiety I thought maybe when i become skinny and sick...then someone will help.
Fact is, I know my therapist cares and is not holding out on me when it comes to help. I know my family loves me, and they are not holding some magic formula that could help me and refusing to give it to me. Yet I still feel like crying out... BEGGING for help. But there is none. There's got to be something inside of me that changes. That changes my attitude and my thoughts and really... the help that I'm going to get, relies on me.
and that is a very, scary, disheartening thought. An attempt at suicide, starving myself to death, it's not going to change anything... I'm not going to get any more help than I already am, because there is none out there.
And though I am a Christian, I am tired of hearing to rely on God, and surround myself with positive people, etc... etc... I hate being around people. In a way it's a relief- to know that I can stop looking for that person out there who will save me from myself. And in a way it's terrifying. Because I don't think I can save me. So know what do I do.  |
There is also the option of outpatient but intensive therapy, there's different forms, I didn't notice where you are from, but there can sometimes be a few choices between, 3 days a week to 5-6 days a week,CBT, DBT, and others, if inpatient sounds to terrifiing or too anything. By doing this you have some therapist to see you on a consistant bases, and could better inform your therapist if you need more than how many times you see her, and/or if inpatient would be the best. Also this why its my experence you might be taken more seriously if you go inpateint and can get more out it before the insurances start in. You may not feel that you can save you(thats great insight) So you know you need more, but you also know that Suicide and starving yourself is not the answer(again great insight) I'd like to incourage you to consider calling you Therapist for an emergency sesion, and like it was already said above, print out you thoughts/feelings and share them with her. All feeling are real feelings and they deserve valadation, you can learn to change them, but they are your feelings. Isolation only makes some thoughts stronger even when you are aware they are not the answer. Thats why sharing thim is a safeplace is so powerful. Good luck and if you can, let us know you are ok.
