Thank you all for your advice. I disappeared from teh boards for a while for a couple reasons. 1) I thought I was using the boards for an escape. I would do anything but do teh things I needed to do. I simply could not concentrate on anything else. and 2) Frankly, I got a little tired of some of the nonsense over a few posters that were not here for honorable reasons.

But, now here I am again. I thik reaching out again because I feel myself slipping away. I have so many major problems to deal with I don't have the time, energy or resources to solve all of them.

Admittedly I am still grieving the loss of my relationship. I lie in bed every night and think of her. I think of what I lost with her. And, I know for a fact that we had a great relationship and were wonderful together. She would even admit that. I was the one that screwed it up because of my illness and my sexual escapes. Because of what I did and my emotional instability she stays as far away from me as possible.

I recently watched the movie Bruce Almighty, which had a pretty big impact on me. In the movie Bruce is unhappy with his life and he blames God for letting him down. Then God makes deal with Bruce. He gives Bruce all his divine pwers to teach Bruce a lesson. At first Bruce is slefish with the powers, using them for his own benefit and not giving of himself to others. Little by little Bruce learns to give of himself to others. He also learns to appreciate the blessings that he does have and learns that he had the power within himself to better his life. But, he learns this lesson a bit too late as his selfish behavior caused him to lose the love of his life. At that point God asks Bruce what he is going to do about his relationship. Bruce tells God that he just wants her to be happy. As I watched that scene with my kids I had to excuse myself because the emotions that flowed through me were overwhelming. Tears streaming down my face (which was a big deal in and of itself as I have done a good job of staying numb). I realized that I do love my lover enough to wish that for her. And I wrote her a note telling her this story and that all I wanted for her was to be happy. Of course in the movie Bruce gets the girl back, I know I never will. And it hurts so very, very much.

I have no plans on dating again. I can't. My life is screwed up now more than ever. I have let even more things go over the last 7 months. Dating is not an option for me. First, I have no desire to date. I did see someone for a little while and all I did was think of my lost love. It was too painful for me. Second, no woman would get involved with me as I am a mess emotionally and financially. It is just my reality.

I did get voted on the Little League Baseball/Softball board. With Spring approaching that will keep me busy from April through August. And, I coach little league softball as well. I also bought a guitar and am working on teaching myself the guitar. Really trying to focus on doing other things to keep me busy and make me happy other than acting out sexually. Although, I really have no desire to do that any longer. Have not done it since I lost my love. Pretty ironic. And, I will not do that ever again.

In the meantime I am still very scared. I am so frightened of the outcome. Even with everything that I do have going on I hate my life and I do not have any real hope for the future. My hope for my future was with her. To be together with her, grow old with her. Be by her side. I have no one now and I tell myself that I got what I deserved. It is my punishment for the acts that I committed. Which, I guess is only fair right? One must be held accountable for their actions. One must be held accountable.