I have suicidal thoughts every day. I have acted on them before. Now I never and will never act on them.

You see I was once in a fantastic survivors support group in another state. I got to know many of my friends there and one of them succeeded in her efforts. On the aniversery of her death her mother (also a friend of mine) recieved by email a paragraph wrote by her daughter, my friend.

At that point in my life my son had been placed in foster care to wait for an opening in a residential treatment program. I couldnt see me living without my child and once again became suicidal to the point where I was acting on them and had every intention to succeed. I started isolating myself and acting on the suicidal urges every chance I knew I would be alone and no one could stop me.

Well my therapist, my survivor group friends and my best friend here in town caught on to what I was doing and were not about to let me go. They all knew this time I would succeed. So they rallyed together and held on to me as tight as they could.

my friend here in town started showing up unplanned at my appartment as did my therapist, they exchanged numbers as did the two closest group member frineds of mine in another state. Between the 4 of them I was kept very busy with phone calls, over nighters, and invites on errands. Then to top it off they each took time to tell me exactly what my leaving this world would do to them and my child and my friend the mother of the friend that died added the daughters opinion too by sending me a copy of the strength paragraph she had wrote to another friend and the mother had recieved on that aniversery. My friend the mother also reminded me of what we all felt and still feel because of that friends siucide. Basically they all gave me the biggest kick in the pants ever for being so selfish as to not consider my friends and my son by acting on my suicidal urges.

I spent almost nine months living in my mental safe place and leaving my body to run on automaic pilot of memory pieces and came back to the real world only to talk with those 4 people - my therapist at that time, my friend here in town and my 2 support group friendon the east coast. But I stopped acting on the urges and will never again act on them. I carry that paragraph with me to remind me of that time and the battle my 4 friends went through to keep me here, and most important what one friends suicidal action did to many so that I don't do the same to the very same people that love and care about me.

I still don't have my son home, he still requires the care of 24 hour therapy programs that residential treatment can give him so he remains listed as a part of the foster care program so that he can recieve the help he needs. In the meantime I hold on as best I can by writing my books, and with the help of my friends, a good therapist, a terrific physician, and all the resources so that I can find to make sure I am at my best by the time he can come home.