I did go to the Psych triage at the psych hospital on one day in the past week. I was treated nice and told that my pdoc would be informed that I am distressed. A few days later I was back very confused about why I was going back. My pdoc happened to run into me (quite a coincidence). He sat and I told him how bad it's been getting. So he encouraged me to consider going in-patient, and to consider maybe ECT. He said no one would pressure me into ECT, but that he wanted me to consider it because he said I have "treatment resistant depression."

What I read about ECT sounded kind of risky, and possibly dangerous . . . loss of memory, loss of cognitive function. It was right after ECT, that Hemingway killed himself.

I was kind of thinking of being admitted so maybe I could get better assessment. Pcych emerg./triage pcoc (not my own) said that with the weekend coming up, I would not get much assessment. I know how these places (it's the county hospital, for the poor) can be just warehouses. So I said I would go home. I'm not imminent danger to myself, and they do believe me on that. But, after years of having recurrent depressions, I've never had anything this bad for this long. I am so afraid to even try to go back to work.

Plus, the thing that is really "treatment resistant" is my loneliness. Though PC has been quite a help. My depression is really an outcome of other things that I have unsuccessfully tackled. It is very hard to have hope.