madisgram, You went to some trouble to try and identify where my thought processes are working against me. I appreciate that you took such interest and expended the time it took. I think you are generous to post the reply above.

It was my therapist that I was concerned about not overly heavying up on. He is a kindly, elderly gentleman, better educated than the vast majority of therapists. And more intelligent. In February, when I apprised him of my being in "crisis," he became pretty stressed out. My intention was that he could help me find the courage to advise my pdoc of my deterioration. I have had some dreadful experiences with pdocs and in-patient care. (Bear in mind that I am an middle age woman. My encounters with the "system" date back to the 70's. The "system" accessible to low income persons could be at times - well, let's just call it unenlightened.) At times, I had a very nice income and purchased quite a lot of quality time from less calloused clinicians - pdocs and T.s.

That you came from the circumstances you describe to where you now are is good testimony that recovery can occur and tough things can be overcome.

I've been to Psych emergency services twice this past week. First time was to plead that I be taken more seriously by out-patient pdocs. Second time was - well, I just said "You got to keep telling them that you are deteriorating, and then they may, at least acknowledge that I am in worst shape than I think they have realized. You got to keep knocking on the door until maybe they get sick of it and really look at how I am." As a nurse, I have had ample experience of having to just about grab doctors by the lapel to make them pay attention to what I saw that they dismissed. I am quite an effective advocate for patients and for my gentleman friend. I could tell stories, and I am tempted to, but I won't now.

Fierce and persistent as I am for others, I fold like a cheap suitcase when it comes to me not being taken seriously. Actually, I was given some quite nice encouragement by the nurses at the Psych Crises area. They "get me" better than do the docs. I was quite stunned by their feedback. Nurses are not renown for compassion to fellow nurses. They both remarked that they often deal with people working the system and that they do not see me in that category. The second time I kind of wanted to go in-patient, but the Psych. Emerg doc was so brittle and said coming in before the weekend could be a waste of days. So, I think and think about going in again.

I was wanting to write my sister tonight. She would always lend me some money. I don't think that would be the best help for me. I would rather she believed me and could care . . . because I have no one to really care. I am very isolated.

However, I did get up the courage yesterday, courage born of dispair, to call a supervisor at my last job. To my astonishment, she was very, very sympathetic and I am meeting with her tomorrow. She parted company with the same employer. She validated some me beyond what I expected. Tomorrow, I must manage to groom and get out of the house. Not easy, but I do what to meet with her.