thanks everyone for your replies. there were lots of replies. normally people don't talk back to me that much. i do journal and write out stuff for t already about what i'm thinking and feeling. i don't know how else to explain this. it's not really the normal kind of social anxiety fears about speaking. i know how to counter negative self talk. it's like if i want to tell someone what i've been up to i have no idea what to say. part is probably because i can't remember stuff at all past a day or two and part is because i never learnt how to in my family (like i'd never go home and tell a mum what i'd done at school that day or whatever).

and often i'll have something important to say and say it and then no one responds and you end up feeling like no one understands and a freak and all alone. so if people don't respond to important stuff, how is something inane supposed to interest them. i just don't have a clue how to talk to people.

thanks so much. that means a lot to me. gives me some stuff to talk about. and your kind words too cats. except i didn't know how to put two quotes here. i really appreciate what everyone has said. i just get real freaked out being left alone with myself sometimes. and get panicked needing to have other people talk to me.