I think DBT is pretty different from the type of therapy I am involved in, which is humanistic/existential. In this type of therapy, a primary value is authenticity, rather than willingness/willfulness. So when I read your words above, I hear that you are not being authentic in the relationship, that you are doing and saying things, even if you don't believe them, just to fix the relationship. You aren't being authentic and telling the truth. And by shouldering all the "blame", you aren't requiring your T (or giving her a chance) to be authentic back to you.

Since you may be at a junction where you leave therapy, zooropa, I wonder if you couldn't try something different, since there's nothing to lose? How about telling your T how you really feel about her role in your relationship (not treating you fairly, giving you mixed messages), rather than saying things that will appease her or make the rupture appear all your fault? It must feel awful to be telling her what you think she wants to hear just for the sake of maintaining the relationship. (Perhaps this is what you mean by self-respect--that it is hard to have self respect if one is not being honest about these things.) Are you sure that you couldn't tell your T the truth and she would hear you and not abandon you?

Those words "willingness" and "willfulness" are interesting to me. I understand willingness how you may, I think. The willingness to be honest in therapy, the willingness to be vulnerable and open up, the willingness to work hard.... But willfulness, to me, means something akin to disobedient. It is a word used by one person to describe another person who isn't behaving the way they want them too. As a parent would label a child who is misbehaving. So I actually don't really like the word, as it seems very judgmental. I find it especially kind of yucky to be used by one adult about another. It places the labeler in a one-up position, and I don't believe that is good for a relationship. This interpretation could just be my sensitivity to words, though. If my T was using this word to describe me, I would want to discuss that with him. If a person shuts down in therapy, I don't think an assumption should be made that they are being willful. A person might shut down, for example, because they are very hurt or coming upon very traumatic material. It might be a signal to the T to tread carefully, offer extra support, etc.