> I have much trouble with what qualifies as "distress".

Well... I guess it is a feeling. A qualitative state. I think most people know when they are feeling distressed. Sometimes people go numb. But underneath the numbness... There is a distressed feeling.

> To me ---it's the loss of one's basic needs: physical/emotional safety, shelter, food, money to pay for basic needs and health of yourself or loved one.

Yeah. Most people tend to respond to those stimuli with feelings of distress. 'Physical or emotional safety' can be a tricky thing too... It isn't solely a response to someone who cares about you dying... Or leaving... It could be about someone who cares about you being busy or whatever. And sometimes... People can be distressed because they are responding to something from the past rather than the present. I mean... Sounds to me like if you don't post that you aren't feeling so good... And then if you don't get some support with that... Then that can lead to you feeling distressed. And your fear about asking for some support isn't a response to the present (the boards) it is a response to your past (how requests for support / expressions of distress were dealt with when you were a child).

I think that when people are distressed that is ALWAYS an understandable response in light of their genes (or the way their physiological arousal system is set to respond), their past experiences, and (though sometimes to a lesser extent) the present situation. Some people do feel more intensely distressed than others. That can be about the way their physiological responses are set to 'reactive' and 'intense'.

> This might be narrow minded..... but a bush getting aphids or losing a text book or momentarily misplacing ones keys-- those things aren't regarded as "distress" to me.

Okay. So you don't feel distressed by those things. But... Another person might feel distressed in response to those things. One of those things might trigger some negative experience from their childhood, for instance.

> I- personally will learn not to listen as they are not basic needs.

So if you wouldn't feel distressed in response to something then you wouldn't support someone who did feel distressed in response to that thing?

> AAhhh yes, the "knowing" and then the "feeling" can often be very seperate things for sure!!!! I believe that is my biggest struggle-- getting those two together!!

I think it is my biggest struggle too. Especially when I think 'the thing that just happened isn't a big deal for most people and so I don't have a right to feel distressed in response'. And... I beat myself up for feeling distressed in response.

I think distress is distress and distress is distressing. Doesn't matter whether it is a 'reasonable' response (to the present situation) or not. Distress is distressing. And most people can use a little support when they are feeling distressed. Usually... It is about a little help seeing that they don't need to beat themselves up for feeling distressed...

That is where seeing distress as 'crying wolf' can escalate the situation in the sense of invalidating a persons very real emotional response. Ultimately seeing distress as 'crying wolf' tends to... Escalate a persons distress. Not so helpful...

> I am hurting... but not to the degree that I am most of the time.

((((Mandy)))) I think you have taken a really positive step in reaching out with that. I think finding the middle ground with respect to asking for support... Is really important. I think it is something that a lot of people struggle with. And finding the middle ground means taking a bit of a risk in getting outside ones comfort zone.