We're starting to talk (or kind of talking about talking about) my mom. Her alcoholism/abuse is, I think, at the root of so much stuff. Even the CSA...it feels like it wouldn't have happened if I had been loved, and if she was aware of what was going on around her. I spent my childhood not knowing what would happen next, in a state of perpetual fear, and I know that's where so many of my core issues come from, even without the CSA.

She constantly told me she would kill me if I told, and even though adult me KNOWS that's not true, there is a very very DEEP fear of telling.

She threatened suicide all the time, and it was clearly my responsibility to keep her alive. I can't shake that. And she is probably dying now from her alcoholism, and I am her only support, and she doesn't go to dr appts, etc. and I'm scared because I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I went to therapy in the first place to talk about the mom stuff. I walked in the VERY FIRST day of therapy and told him that's why I was there. And here I am, 3 1/2 years later, barely able to talk about talking about it...when we have talked about some REALLY REALLY gut-wrenchingly hard stuff.

Ack. ACK!

I think all of that is why I took a break, and, honestly, part of why I want to go to once a week. It's just too much. I'm too scared, and I don't know if I can do it.