Right now, my stomach is just hurting! I've emailed my t like 4 times about this matzoh ball thing, and i feel really guilty. I'm guilty of expecting too much from her too. I now feel bad for having made an issue, as i seem to always make an issue and get hurt over something my t says or does! She has told me that it feels like she can't do anything right for me -- no matter what she does, i get upset and hurt. To some degree, i know that it is true. But i seem not to be able to "help it." She says things to make me feel valuable and that she cares. . .but right on the heels of it, she says or does something that (to me) indicates the opposite . . .that i am unimportant.

It's a pattern for me that anytime I start to feel hopeful and good about the t relationship, something happens right afterward to upset and hurt me. I honestly can't tell if I am the one doing this purposely because i am just too scared to hope that my t truly cares for me, and i don't want to let myself feel good or let good feelings inside of connection, because i don't want to set myself up for hurt. Or if my t is the one who, after we have a good, connecting moment, just manages to say/do something (subconsciously) to interfere with that connection, so that i get hurt and pull back. I know she believes it is me that is doing this (and this is probably the correct interpretation). But if so, my t has an odd knack for picking the exact wrong time to act in a way that triggers my feelings of rejection.

I'm becoming more and more concerned about this repetitive pattern of drawing close and connecting, followed by an almost immediate rupture. It's hard to tease apart what (if anything) my t has done to contribute to my hurt feelings and that she should take responsibility or apologize for. . .and what part of the problem i am causing. When i try to analyze it logically, i seem to be able to make a case either way. And that's what is so confusing.

In any case, i feel guilty now, and that it must be my fault because i know my t is a very good, caring t who has many times said and done things to show her caring. So it must be me who keeps messing things up. I can't understand why she can do 10 things that make me feel valued and good, but then she will say or do 1 thing that hurts, and it will feels like it counteracts all the previous good things and makes them null and void.

There are times i get so tired of this endless repetition, and seeing how it feels nearly impossible to stop my automatic negative behaviors. I have considered just quitting therapy because i've been with my t for years and it doesn't seem like i've made enough progress, despite both of us working really hard in therapy. The one thing that makes me feel good is that my husband says he sees progress. it has been slow, but he definitely sees it. But in the meantime, i feel like i am wearing my t out, and her good will, with my constant nit picking and getting hurt feelings. I don't know how to stop doing this.

I just emailed her that i feel bad for making such a big deal out of things, and i want to bring us some tea this week when i come to my session because i want to make it up to her. Even this feels like a pattern to me (getting my feelings hurt, telling the other person how i feel, and then feeling bad and guilty for saying anything, and feeling the need to apologize or correct my mistake.)

Gosh, sometimes i just feel too broken to possibly get straightened out.