Well winyan,

Seventeen years is a long time. I was with my ex for the same amount of time, and also struggled with my emotions. There were good times in those 17 years ~ there was also a feeling of safety and feeling "accepted". That was pretty important to me. I had always craved those emotions.

Lust or passion weren't present in my marriage, and I was "okay" with that. (For the most part ~ I occasionally had intense fear attack me due to the lack of desire.) I had always wanted "til death we part", for security. Emotional security.

As we had young kids, my health took a turn downward. From there, things spiraled down and down further until severe depression consumed me & I wanted nothing more than escape - death. And that is when my ex couldn't take it anymore. From there, he wanted to separate. He supposedly "hoped" that I would change through separation, and our marriage would then become stronger. That didn't happen. I didn't change...my depression stayed the same, and my physical health sort of "platued" (sp?).

My ex then wanted a divorce. We got one. It wasn't fun. Didn't make me feel any better. Took a lot of time & tears to get through the experience.

I've gotten involved with another man since the divorce, and I discovered that I do have sexual desires and needs. Quite a discovery to experience after so many years! but a very nice one

I don't know if I've helped you in any way here. Just wanted you to know that someone does care. I can relate to the emotional journey. And it is that ~ quite a journey. It isn't ever easy though. Especially if you have children. That makes matters even more complicated and emotional.

Very best wishes to you! I hope that you find what is right for YOU. It takes time.