I don't believe I can juggle everything, but it seems like my therapist expects me to. I told her I couldn't promise that I could go to school everyday because I know myself and I know that I'm just not going to snap out of it.. My mood fluctuates between wanting to and not wanting to every few weeks and has been this way for many years. Right now I haven't been in school since September.. But she wouldn't accept this and kept pushing me and pushing me and I felt the pressure to be perfect; that I had to just suddenly fall in upside down without any preparation and I had to do it perfectly or else. I had an issue with my Dad where he didn't want to accept I was breaking down and needed support until recently, now he's more understanding and open to conversation.. at the same time it seems my support has become the one giving me more anxiety than I had before.

I have to see her tomorrow and it's stressing me out. My child and youth worker keeps telling me it's okay if I cry while talking with her because it can help me feel better but I don't want to cry. It doesn't make me feel better at all, it makes me feel worse. I've spent so many years having people make me cry, having people misunderstand me, pushing me too far, harassing me and manipulating me.. I mean, I had extremely emotionally and mentally abusive friends for over 2 years.. I'm out of it now, I finally broke free, I'm finally starting to be myself again, to smile and live my real life not feeling like I'm in a nightmare. Right now it seems like this therapist and going back to school is going to put me back into that nightmare.. It's too soon and I'm not ready yet..