didnt know where to post this and sorry if i'm rambling but i haven't slept and am a complete mess. my grandfather raised me first part of my life. parents never around and he took care of us, in his own slow, half the time asleep but always caring way. loved him so much its hard to think about him without crying and when he died it ripped me a part. so much of my love for him was destroyed, because after he died was when the abuse started and god i blamed him, felt he abandoned me. and it lasted two years, two years of hell that turned me into just an empty shell of a person. things didnt get any easier growing up, went through alot. i guess i could get past all of it, live with all of it, if i didn't keep ruining my life. every time there is someone in my life that i care about in any capacity, its like a switch goes off in my brain and i have this urge to destroy. and if i think theres something really good there? i take that relationship and i beat it with a stick, hack it with an axe and burn it to ashes and then bury my feelings with it. forced myself to return to therapy recently because i dont want to keep doing this but its too late. i did it again. i waited too long and thats it. its like a cycle and i dont know how to break it. i keep telling myself that things cant always end badly, that i just need to give something a chance just once, just wait and see, but theres a part of me so terrified of more pain, so convinced i dont have any healing left, that its not worth the risk. just wondering if this makes sense to anyone.