Hidizgirl2011,

You got it! That is exactly how i felt -- when she told me she wouldn't reply because she was getting ready for a holiday, I wish she would have said something to validate my feelings. . . like "I know this is important to you, and we'll discuss this at our next opportunity,". . .anything like that. But she didn't. Just said she couldn't. And then with the matzoh ball thing, i don't understand why she didn't just save me out one after she made them. She may have thought there would be leftovers and she would just take one out for me then, but still, it wasn't putting any kind of priority on it at all. It would have been better if she had never offered to bring me on in the first place.

I told her via email that i had misunderstood and thought she was definitely planning to bring me one, but now i realize she was only going to give me one if there were leftovers nobody else wanted. I said that is different, and i would not feel comfortable accepting it under those circumstances because i feel unimportant and unworthy anyway, and that would just make me feel like i was last plave and only worth the remains, like a dog begging for crumbs at the table.

I also told her it made me feel bad because when i start getting produce from my garden, i immediately think about bringing her some, and i pick out the nicest ones for her, the ones without any bruises or blemishes. It makes me so happy to give them to her because i feel grateful for her help. And i never expect her to give me a gift in return, i just want to do it. But when she offered me something, and then didn't bring it, and was only going to offer me leftovers anyway, it just played into my feelings of being unimportant and worthless. And this happened right after a session where she had told me that she doesn't forget about me between sessions, that she keeps me "right here" (motioning to her heart). She knows i have very bad rejection triggers and worry about her forgetting about me. So i couldn't understand how she could then go and do this matzoh ball thing.

It also reminded me of something that happened with a former friend of mine, who had been sort of a mother figure to me (long story, it ended badly). I used to go the florist and spend an hour or more picking out bouquets for her. I would try different things together and swap out different flowers until the bouquet felt just perfect to me for expressing my love and thanks. Then I'd buy it and have it delivered. I did it maybe 5 times, and she always seemed to love them. And my heart just felt fantastic when i gave her those flowers. And, again, i didn't want her to buy me a gift in return, i didn't expect it (and she didn't). But one day, i saw some pretty flowers in her garden, and i said, "Wouldn't it be fun to exchange flowers from our gardens with each other?" and without a heartbeat, she replied, "All my cut flowers go to my mother-in-law."

I said "Oh, OK" like it was no big deal. But i remember how my heart dropped when she said that. Here i had bought her all those beautiful flowers because i wanted to and thought her friendship was worth it. But I wasn't worth even one flower from her garden. What made it feel all the worse was that she had told me on many occasions that she didn't even like her mother-in-law and that she was never grateful for anything. Still, she would rather give her flowers to her than to me.

I have this habit of attaching to people who don't attach the same to me. I always seem to think more of them and love them more, and it's not reciprocated. And that's how this matzoh ball thing with t felt to me. Deep down, i know my t cares for me, and she has shown it in other ways. But this was just "one more time" in my life when i felt invisible and forgettable. And with t -- she's only like the 3rd person in my whole life that i've ever risked getting really close to because i have been hurt so much and fear rejection so much. I've let her mean so much to me, too much i think. So when i feel that she's forgotten me or I'm not important to her, it really hurts my heart.