Quote:
Originally Posted by ECHOES
The feeling unimportant comes from within you. Are you taking advantage of times like this to explore that?
I also get my feelings hurt easily and always have. But I am getting better about it, not because T is careful with me but because she helps me see a broader perspective than the one that creates the hurt feelings. And I've been able to take that outside of therapy too. Sometimes it takes a while for the broader perspective to come to mind, and in the meantime I'm miserable, but at least now I'm finding my way to it.
I would have a hard time with all the time off your T has been taking recently. That is too much disruption for me. I admire that you can do that!
How did you feel about knowing that she was sharing an intimate holiday with her family that day?
|
Echoes,
This feeling of worthlessness does come from inside me. I do see how that is true. But it feels like people (including t) do things that validate my sense of worthlessness, such as spacing me out or ignoring me; in effect, showing that i AM the way i feel inside. I do think that i probably am oversensitive to this. But it doesn't feel like i am making it all up. People really have treated me as unimportant in life -- not just my parents. My boss even shut off the lights and the printer when she went home for the day, not knowing i was even still here!
And one time at a bookstore, my mom and sister were huddled together deciding what books they wanted to trade in older paperbacks for. They didn't include me in the conversation at all. I stood behind them feeling like my opinion didn't count. And my feelings must have been right, because when the three of us walked up to the counter, the sales lady said, "What's the matter? Won't they let you say anything?" I can't begin to list the many times I've been discounted.
i went to my congregation every Sunday, and commented out loud nearly every week, yet the elders couldn't remember my name for 9 months, even though i sat right next to my in-laws, who have the very same last name.
There have been so many times people have made me feel worthless that i could go on and on. Even when i accidentally found out my parents were divorced and asked my mom why she didn't tell me, she said "We didn't think it was any of your business."
How do you have stuff like that happen to you all the time and NOT feel worthless? How do you stop anticipating it and seeing it from every little thing that remotely looks that way since it has happened to you so much?
I get what you're saying about your t helping you have a broader perspective. My t tries to get me to see that she's not like my mom or the other people who hurt me -- and that some people can be trusted to care. And I really do want to believe this. But it's hard to still feel good about her caring one day when she forgets about me the next. I know my problems are from childhood, being rejected. But it feels like it is still happening today. It feels like external things that people do keeps reinforcing the bad internal feelings i have about myself. It seems that if i am not worthless, then people would stop treating me as such.
It felt OK to me that she was sharing an intimate holiday with her family. I try not to feel jealous of them. I don't think it bothered me at all until she said she couldn't reply to my message and then didn't bring the matzoh ball. That's when it started feeling really bad. I know that she's close to her family, and i get that, and it makes perfect sense. I wouldn't want that not to be the case. But i want her to care deeply for me also. And i think she does care, but not to the degree i want her to, and that's what hurts.