Yeah it was just a whim it passed, I guess.

Intensely unresolved and potentially painful is right. I feel utterly stuck in my current therapy. I have absolutely no idea why it would be valuable to call my old therapist. I guess what I am hoping to hear is "hey it wasn't your fault." and I guess what I would want to say is I'm sorry for the part that was my fault. I guess I know at some level this isn't about my T. That is what I meant by the mystery. I wish I had some earplugs for my brain because it would be nice not to feel anything related to any of this for a while.