I do not have full-blown OCD. I have O/C trait to a degree that is troubling. Well, that might be putting it mildly. All my life, often others have observed that I can be a fuss-pot about doing things very exactly. I've been called "Felix Unger."

It is kind of a cyclic thing with me. At times, I'm in the "zone" where I have most of my possessions carefully arranged. Then I slack off and I put nothing back where it belongs and chaos ensues. Eventually, I could get back into the "zone." I haven't been able to get back to the "zone" and it is making my Major Depressive Disorder much worse. Also, it could be the other way around. Nobody but me has any idea how these two different disorders relate. I keep saying I have Personality Disorder NOS ("not otherwise specified.") I have enough maladaptive "traits," the O/C trait and other "traits" (socially avoidant, narcissistic, and more) that they add up to a personality disorder.

But back to the O/C trait. As a child, I knew I had it and I knew it was abnormal. Once, as a kid, I was getting into the "zone" and trying to tidy my room perfectly. (I used to do a beautiful job and I sure would get some compliments.) On this particular occasion, I noticed that all the handles to the drawers were each fastened on the inside with screws. Each screw had a slot in it. I got a butter knife and I used it to twist the screws so that the slots were all aligned exactly the same . . . I believe it was so that all the slots in the screws would be horizontal. This was tedious and after a while I got sick of doing it. So I told myself that there was no need for aligning the screws and I was able to stop worrying about it and I stopped doing it. That's why I know I don't have full-blown OCD. But I sure do feel for persons who have it because I know how strong my urges were and I only had the "trait."

In first grade, I arranged my crayons in a particular order in the box. That might be something that just is good organization. But, I just knew it was more than that. I hated art class in first grade. I hated to draw "free hand." I would dread getting that blank piece of paper and being told to draw "something." I decided one day to make a house on the paper. I had my ruler out and I was measuring to make sure the walls were the same height. Next thing I knew, the teacher was standing over me saying, "Put the ruler away. We don't use rulers in art class." When I've been in Psych Hospitals, I really, really hate anything to do with Art. But that is one of the biggest things they push, and lots of patients just love it. I just dread it and am completely bored by it.

I used to keep a well-ordered file system. Over recent years that has fallen apart. Now paperwork is everywhere. I feel overwhelmed at getting it sorted out. Also, a lot of paperwork has collected dust from being strewn around in the open. Where I live, desert area, dust is a big issue. When I try to work on organizing papers, I sometimes use the vacuum cleaner to vacuum the pieces of paper. The thing with the dust was not present in childhood very prominently, but got much worse later in adult life.

I am unemployed now. There is a type of work that I might be able to succeed at. To do it, I would need a well-organized home office area. There would be a lot of paper work. (I would be a nurse case-manager, maybe for a homecare/hospice company.) Maybe I am not qualified, but I might be. It has been excruciating just to put together a resume, because to make it I need information that is strewn about.

I would feel more supported if I ever got to meet a pdoc who could understand that what I call my personality disorder (with cluster C traits and some from other clusters) is so severe that it is crippling me. Pdocs forcus on the deprression. That is painful, to be sure. Sometimes what feels worse, is that I have to spend such an inordinate amount of time getting anything accomplished because I get relentlessly thorough. Washing dishes, I rinse things off to a ridiculous degree.

I used to have what I thought were "hypo-manic" episodes, where I would "get on a roll" and start organizing my apartment. Sometimes I would stay awake for 36 or more hours once I started. Since being severely depressed, I don't get those hypo-manic style bursts of enthusiasm and what a loss that has been for me. I am living in quasi-chaos.

I am thinking of getting rid of most everything I have and going homeless, because then I would not have so much stuff to keep in order. Maybe if I could just pare down my apartment. In writing this, I am coming to a sense of resolve. I think I am going to get the DirecTV canceled. I would kind of like to get rid of the TV. That might seem like an odd place to start. But watching TV is an escape for me that I rely on too much. I have been without TV in the past and felt more at peace.

I'm not really a hoarder. In that I am blessed, because they have such a terrible drive to hold on to things. I always rented furnished rooms, or furnished apartments so I would not be bound down by furniture. I tried to own as little as possible. Where I live now is the first place where I had to buy my own furniture. I just hate all this stuff.

Writing this made me feel a little better. I know it probably isn't interesting to read, unless by someone who is like me and wants to get unshackled from "stuff and things." And just have an amount of stuff I can keep track of. Most of all, I wish with all my heart, that a professional who specializes in OCD could evaluate me and understand how bad this is. I don't believe any medicine will impact the disorder much. But just for someone to know what I'm up against and encourage me if I try to battle by way out of it would mean the world to me.