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iamspecial · Apr 26, 2011, 02:39 PM

I have been in such a really down mood. I have no idea how to get out of it.....yeah i smile to make others happy.....yeah i put a brave face on and not let them see im ill... yeah i put on a really good act for everyone so they cant see how hurt i am or thhat im ill. Its like everything i loved is being taken away from me and all the things that i love to do has just gone.....one minute i would dance and dance and dance b/c i love to dance but now i dont dance anymore.....i lost my gift....i think other have seen this now....christmas, birthday parties, any party i would always be on the dance floor dancing and having everyone look at me and enjoy watching me but these days i just sit there and wont move, i would be in my own little world, depressed little world when no one loves me or wants me, im hate by loads of people, being told i shouldnt be here, im a mistake, all i have wanted to do is SI for the pass couple of days but i came on here and Tarmyg has been a real help with that (thank you tarmy) but its still here with me still wanting to.....it was only last night that i got even closer to the edge of killing myself I find if i tell someone its less likely of me to do it but if i keep it to myself then i just go ahead and do it without people knowing till they see.

Am i so bad for already knowing ways of killing myself? this is something i havent gone into much detail with my T b/c not sure what she would say or do, plus she recently told me i need more help than she can offer b/c shes not qualified for the help that i need so i have to start over is it just me? am i just being stupid? I think others will be better off without me in their lifes b/c im just not me anymore and whos wants someone who is depressed in their lives for? if only they knew but they dont... i want to give up now