I'm so glad I put aside my judgements about being 'pathetic' this morning and just let myself post this. It's so great to have your understanding and encouragement- thank you so much

Starbucks worked well Think T and I between us basically keep UK Starbucks going- the difference is that she can well afford it and I definitely can't! I have a crazy week in terms of deadlines, so there's lots to keep busy with, but we also have loads of public holidays at the moment, so the only structure in the day is the structure I create. It's challenging but doable.

With T gone, I'm realising how unsafe I feel all the time. Not in a dramatic way, just that I'm somehow not 'big' enough to be handling my life and dealing with it all. And having T sort of 'watching over me' each day, knowing what I'm doing, and letting me know what she's doing, takes away the fear and makes me feel big enough and strong enough. The strange thing is I don't think I ever connected with this fear when I was growing up, when I truly was entirely alone. I felt very grown up then, and just did what had to be done to survive, including disconnecting from my feelings. So confusing...