So, thought it was panic attacks or anxiety attacks I have been having and had in therapy today, those waves that threaten to wash over me and squeeze me and my heart in a vise......from within and from without both....
But T says, I think it's feelings.......we're talking about emotional things, you are presenting flat emotionally as if you're unaffected, but I think these are the feelings you're not wanting to feel, not used to feeling!
I feel so overwhelmed with these waves of feeling then, that I can hardly stand it! And not to mention the weird things my heart has been doing more of lately, skipping beats/lurching and stopping....that's anxiety producing. And T thinks the two feed off of each other....one exacerbates the other...
She is like, you know when you're mad, you can name anger.....but I am not sure you know how to be sad or when you're sad or how to grieve and mourn losses.....I guess she's right. THAT makes me feel bad.....like I am missing something important in me.....
I sort of think that if 'feeling feelings' is doing this number on me, I could do without it....but know that I do need to learn to feel my feelings, to name them and to know them.....but wow, is it ever ever ever ever so so so hard! Why does it have to hurt so much to have feelings and feel them and know them?!?! I feel like that is a silly question to which I should know the answer......but don't quite!