You sound a lot like me. Even finding out that I might have feelings freaked me out. T. says that they are not nearly as scary as I make them out to be. I'm not so sure about that, but I have been thinking about what I liked when I was younger and trying to feel the good feelings associated with it. The thing I'm thinking of was going to see the Grateful Dead in the summer and listening to them the rest of the year. Those times were so good and got me through a lot of personal muckiness. So, by getting back into it and remembering that time, I can sometimes actually feel happy feelings for a second with out them being overwhelming. It's something that doesn't punch me in the stomach, or wring my chest. I figure a feeling feels kind of like when someone dies unexpectedly, but it's not so big. You kind of got to watch for it. At the very least, I sometimes actually feel for a second what it would be like to get over this. I couldnt do that for the first six months. I have also been working on an auto-biography/journal. Just what ever I feel like writing. About myself, therapy, a story, insights I have gotten about myself. This therapy thing is just crazy. I do think I've made a little progress. I no longer get so angry. My patience is still non-existent, but I dont let everything get me wound up anymore.

Hope you keep trying. I spent a long time trying to find a loop-hole out of having to do it, God knows I have other issues I can work on, but T. was patient about letting me wear myself out with that. You could try that first, it lets you explore it from all angles and kills time.

Good luck.