I don't understand. One day I can feel like I'm on top of the world finally accomplishing something for myself.

Next I can be sooo down and low. I don't even want to wake up, I continue to hate myself, and everything about me the remainder of the day. Then I'll hope to die peacefully in my sleep. I hate that feeling. It's the worse.

What is it, and what could it be?

I have noticed that when my mind is on MY life and MY life only, ultimately I'm okay. But then I begin worrying about my sister, my grandfather and the debt I have with him, my drug addict mom who hurts me over and over.

I know running away from here is not an option. I can't abandon my sister I'm the only one left, plus I started my life with college and all.

I'm not sure what to do anymore. I can't take these downs. I call them the "unthinkables", because when I'm in one I think of stuff I never normally would. Like writing my dad a letter of apology, laying in bed for hours, and neglecting myself. I think of sad stuff like all the horrible things mom did to me when I was a kid and recently. I think alot of my Grandma too.

Anyway, why does it happen is what I'm pretty much asking? What can cause a low, and how can I quickly get through it, so I can happy for the babies?

Desirae