((((((((((((poetgirl)))))))))))))

Learning to feel my feelings was/is SO painful. I've spent SOOOO many years denying feelings, using bad coping skills to avoid feelings, doing ANYTHING to not feel, that when I started to put aside those old defenses, it felt horrible. And scary, and painful..like, even physically painful.

But something else happened too....I honestly did notice the GOOD feelings felt different. They felt bigger. The sky looked prettier, I laughed more...it was like my heart opened up.
that sounds lovely!
I still have to shut down sometimes...sometimes on purpose, and sometimes it happens without me noticing it...but now I miss the openness that allows the good feelings to come. And I remember that it's worth it to me to feel the bad stuff so I can heal enough to feel the good stuff.

I think we have a BIG backlog of bad feelings sometimes when we come into therapy...I know I did. And I had a LOT of anxiety associated with them, like you do...to the point where I ended up getting a prescription for klonopin because it spiraled out and got TOO overwhelming sometimes. But the anxiety has lessened, and even though it's hard, I'm learning to deal with whatever it is I'm feeling. It takes TIME. gosh, I know I have a huge backlog of hard emotion I am avoiding but it's coming out......T keeps talking to me about all the tears she is sure are in there....I KNOW they are, too, and do they ever HURT! I have Ativan for the anxiety, which really does spiral out and become overwhelming......I had it spiral out in session yesterday which was so odd for me....

My T tells me "feelings are information, not emergencies" and sometimes that helps me step back and ask myself "what is this feeling telling me"? Putting the feeling in a context like that helps me a little. I like this....

You will get through this, poetgirl. There is so much beauty and goodness and happiness for you to experience. This is worth it, and you are worth it.
thanks for this too....I know, this too shall pass and bring better things with it.....but I keep wondering in the midst of it how LONG it will take to pass and when the better things come and I get to experience the happiness and the peace and the grace!