Well, I asked my t if i could have an earlier session this week because i couldn't let go of what the matzoh ball incident brought up for me -- not just the matzoh ball incident-- but all my feelings of being nonexistent and worthless and unimportant to people all through my life. It had brought all of that up for me, and i had such a stomach ache yesterday and so much internal distress. So she let me come in yesterday afternoon. She actually let me come at 3:30, when 3:00 is usually her last appt of the day. I felt really grateful for that.

We talked about the matzoh ball incident first thing. She told me that she didn't make enough. She had extra company show up, and there wasn't enough matzoh balls even for her to have one. I felt pretty much like a heel when she told me that. I hadn't thought about the possibility that they actually ran short and t didn't get one! It made it more understandable to me why she didn't bring me one. I guess she still could have saved me out one at the beginning, but. . .t didn't even get one? Wow. I wish she would have given me that extra information earlier when she told me there weren't any leftovers. Yeah, I felt heel-ish.

Then we talked quite alot about my tendency to take a piece of information (something she says or does) and draw the wrong conclusions. T said not bringing me a matzoh ball had nothing to do with my not being important to her. She just had made a mistake by not making enough. She said one of the most important things i can do in therapy with her is to check out my assumptions with her. Otherwise, i take something that happens and make up a whole story to explain what it means--and then i get all bent out of shape about it and feel awful.

T also said something about how i had a burden placed on me when i was younger, to think of myself as worthless, so now i look through that lens at everything that happens. I try to find "proof" from what other people say and do to show that I really am as worthless as I believe i am. T said i start out with a belief (that I'm worthless) and then look for evidence to support what i already believe. I told t, yes, i know, but the thing is-- I seem always find proof of it!! But t said it is because i am filtering everything that happens through that lens -- taking things people say and do and then fabricating a story/explanation that sounds possible and seems to verify how i feel about myself -- but the story is not based in reality.

I told t that i hate doing this --it gets me all tied up in knots and feeling sick for days. . .then i find out that what i believed wasn't true all along!! By then, i've suffered horribly internally, and sometimes lost days of sleep and not having enjoyed anything else going on in my life at the time because of feeling so upset. It's like i torture myself and I can't seem to stop doing it! I asked t why would i do this? why would i want to suffer like that? I can't remember what she said.

I also asked my t, How can i feel close and attached with you, without expecting too much and then feeling rejected? She said (in regard to attaching) that my very strong protector part that pushes her away to keep me safe from being hurt needs to step back a little. She also said (in regard to me expecting too much and feeling rejected) that when i get into an emotional storm like i did yesterday, i should try to go inside myself and find ways to calm and soothe myself. I told her i would work on that because i hate it when i get so upset and then keep emailing and feel like i'm bugging her too much.

She also asked, how about if my analytical self could help that part of me that keeps misinterpreting things and feeling rejected? Could that analytical part of me examine a situation more objectively and come up with alternate explanations for things that happen -- not just assuming that it means i am unworthy and unimportant? I told her i would try doing that next time.

That was the gist of my session. I felt alot better afterward. The stomach pain was gone, and the emotional angst, and i went to sleep feeling calm and happy.