>>People who don’t suffer or who have never gone through the things we go through yes, are or do appear to be thoughtless. But no more than we are to (what we would call ) their little problems.

That is a huge issue for me, something of a personal choice that i made many many years ago. I have ALWAYS gone out of my way to anticipate problems of other people and to help out in any way i could, often just by being there for support rather than offering advice or such. And knowing that most people say "let me know if you need anything" but that is their way of saying "please don't call me" I always prided myself on being one to show my support with actions instead of words. someone ill i wouldn't call to express sympathy, i would go to the hospital and offer comfort (often the friend wasn't the one in the hospital, it might have been a family member or something but I wanted to be there to support my friend).

I've always recognized how uncomfortable most people are in hospitals or in grief situations and this is something that I personally have been always been able to deal with easily. So it is not that I am "stronger" than other people, just that I recognize this characteristic of myself and made a decision to make use of it by being there when others might be feeling isolated or alone and in need of support. and i don't wait for them to call because i know it is hard to ask for help.

i've often made this a priority in my life. i have a very very long story that i'm very proud of from many years ago of a friend who's family went through a string of several tragedies including an suicide and a serious illness, and i spent several years becoming close to that whole family even when it jeapordized my job because of all of the time i was spending with them. i made it very clear to my boss that this was important to me even if it cost me my job (it didn't)

more recently i tried to make an effort for one of the guys at work who also suffered a personal and sudden loss in his family. one of his friends (at that time i had known him relatively briefly, but i knew one of his other friends from work) this other friend was obviously a bit uncomfortable about attending the wake so i offered to take him with me so he wouldn't be alone. i went to the funeral on my own, taking half a day off work to do so. a week later, before he returned from work, i found an excuse to find his home (i had never been there) and stop by to drop something off for him, because i hadn't been in contact and wanted to make sure he was ok and also to let him know that my money was where my mouth was, so if he needded anythng he could call. when all this was going on i was already a full year into my own personal deep depression, well before i was hospitalized of course but already i knew that things were on a bad track with me.

it is this same guy who now doesn't give me the benefit of the doubt and believes the boss (whom everyone knows has a warped sense of reality) that i have contributed to being unthoughtful with regard to staying in contact.

here's the karma thing before i go too far. i want to make it very clear that those choices i made absolutely had nothing to do with the expectation of getting anything in return other than personal satisfaction. if anyone has read "the seven laws for spiritual success" by deepak choprah (not sure if i have the title correct) it is important to give without expecting anything in return.

i have always believed in a sense of karma though, it is an important part of my lifes philosophy. i don't believe it in the religious sense of reincarnation, but more in the casual sense of "what goes around comes around". i never expected to be in the type of position i am in now of course (who ever does?) but i always had a good sense with my friends that if i ever needed anything i would have resources. another important aspect of my belief is that i never thought that any of the people i did specific things for would be the ones to help me in return. i don't believe there is a galactic scorecard on a person-to-person sense but rather on a universal sense.

If anyone remembers "Northern Exposure" there was an episode where Joel was initiated into the local indian tribe and to do so he had to give up all of his posessions. of course he was reluctant but was reassured that it was a spiritual gesture and he would get back everything he needed. the "surprise" was he got the stuff back, but not his "own" stuff. he gave up a cooking pot and received another one from a member of the tribe. there is something in sharing and community there, and also of course the lesson of our weird "attachment" to material things.

but in another sense it also illustrates my belief, in that i never felt "i did such a thing for so-and-so, and if i ever need anything so-and-so will return the favor". rather i've believed that if i nuture good relationships wth friends and give of myself to them, if ever i was in need the "universe" would supply the support i needed, most likely in some of my current, newer relationships with friends.

and that is where my philosophy has failed me and completely broken me. the work situation illustrates that completely. i have not even mentioned the long hours and attention to detail i put in while working there, out of true loyalty and a desire to do a good job and simultaneously to be a good person to my friends there both inside and outside of work. my work there was never driven by a weekly paycheck.

and of course the story is multiplied across the board because i feel abandoned by everyone. i know i have been complaining about them alot but the truth is i still think they are all very good pepole, really of the highest caliber. many of them are just unprepared to cope with this situation, and i can't fault them for that. many simply live too far away for anythng but casual contact. and a large majority simply have too many primary commitments, and i am only now realizing that as much as i care about these people and they (sincerely) care about me, i am only a "secondary" consideration, they do what they can but can't put in that extra effort if i need it, to miss a little sleep or miss seeing a movie or social event with other friends. and of course they have personal commitments which they can't ignore, spouses, family and children.

so as much as i complain i am not really mad at anyone just really disappointed and disallutioned that my philosophy has been so off the mark, really moreso that maybe i should have spent more time in the past worrying about myself instead of others and nurturing some closer "primary" friendships so that i'd have something to grab hold of here.

i do greatly appreciate sharing my feelings and it is great having the understanding and compasion of people on this board. and also the people i have met in treatment and in support groups, but i don't feel that trusting or close to anyone yet.

and my biggest biggest problem is that i don't have any personal contact anymore with anyone. in social groups my friends would touch and hug a lot. now that no one visits i have no skin contact with anyone. if anyone shows up i am so desparate to hug that it likely puts them off. it really is a miserable situation that i'm sure has biological ramifications in addition to psychological ones. i know studies have been done with babies who don't get touched by their mothers but otherwise have complete healthy care and they end up with problems.

with so many real and serious issues facing me, my health, surviving, work, finances, i often feel silly about how often i think about just wanting someone i trust here to sit and watch tv with me.

hope this isn't the most pathetic thing you have ever read, or if it is i at least hope i go into a hall of fame or something for it.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
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