last night i sat down and flat out said i was gay to myself, it felt really good like a pressure release. i was gonna talk to this lesbian friend of mine and see if i could hang out with her and some of her gay guy friends. well, later that night i just didnt want to anymore and i sorta went back to usual which is just not knowing who i am. i kinda wanted to go get with a guy to experiment and see if i liked it, but i dont want to just go and experiment...it just doesnt seem normal to me, in my head today i dont feel stimulated by any kind of potential gay experience. i can just picture me after something like that, feeling like i had betrayed myself.

i dont know if i am becoming more comfortable with the idea of not being interested in exploring homosexuality; but that aside, i dont understand what has happened between me and my women.

last night i was in a classroom at a meeting with mostly guys and like 5 girls. i was nervous around guys, but i think it is because i dont know how to act like myself. im kind of afraid to be my own man and not just react to how other people are so that i can be the funniest or the coolest or whatever. i need to be my own man who leads by example, for himself.

i think low self esteem and confidence have a lot to do with this, i see nothing obvious (like a stutter or something) that would make me self conscious but last night i closed everything out and just started to flip a %#@&#! inside my head. i was hesitant, bashful, my mind was spittin thoughts out a million times a second about what if this or what if that. it all boils down to me not believing in being strong by myself without anyone or anything to leach onto.

i also have a tough time expressing myself. i remember this girl i was with a few months ago and i liked her a lot and i could tell her how much i did without sounding like a complete retard or wuss.

i like to be liked, like the center or attention or the center of a good time. but if i am, it scares me because i dont know how to act like no matter what i do its right.

actually acting like myself in front of people is one of the most rewarding and scariest feelings i know.

i think me admitting to myself that i was gay last night really took off the pressure of me constantly badgering myself about whether i am or not. it felt good, but at the same time i realized that thats not who i am somewhere inside of me. and i dont have a problem with being open to whatever, but something about that just bothers me. maybe i could be gay and learn to like it, but still i dont feel it would be right at heart.

i just feel truely happy and like myself so infrequently anymore, im exhausting all of my options. my emotions and feelings are all over the board. sometimes i wish for a cream skinned brunette to be laying by my side, and sometimes all i want to do is reject it and escape somewhere.

this will definately be covered at my next T session.

i was in an unusually good mood today