hey cap, lots of honest opinions. here's mine-at one point in my life i had no hope but i pushed myself to get help, do the painful- sometimes- therapy and i wanted more out of life than i'd had. i wasn't sure if all the help i got and learned would enrich my life but it was a gamble i felt i had to take. like some i don't allow my BP to define who i am. actually since i got positive help/therapy/pdoc i've gotten healthier in the head than most "norms" cause i found i had lots of things/behaviors/old tapes i wanted to learn how to change. so if i hadn't a MI i don't think i would have sought the help i needed in many areas of my life.
i know you have unusual circumstances and need more irl people in your life but you did come here! that's a positive thing you did for yourself, imho. i know you're lonely. i feel if you were comfortable talking with others here at pc in a thread that you might receive some understanding, supportive replies. i encourage you to do that for yourself, friend. like in another forum..coping with emotions, etc. no one isolated from ppl would be all happy cause we all need ppl in our lives. you've got a double whammy because it's so remote where u are.
i hope this helps. you know already i've got my "thinking cap" on for you but if you share you'll get others thinking too. you are worth it, cap, and a trusted great friend to me!