My Support Forums - View Single Post

Open Eyes · Apr 28, 2011, 08:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Distressed2010

Thanks open eyes for the detailed response

helps quiet a bit!!

I understand everything your saying but somehow my intuition still stops me from thinking this guy would have used me, he seemed really caring then all of a sudden he backed off.. i feel like he's been hurt either because everything's out in the open or something's there that I don't know. Because now he's quiet rude to me.

Before, he was SUPER caring towards me.

Yesterday, he actually snapped at me a couple times, and I finally just got up from dinner and left. Everyone kept asking what happened, i said nothing. But they understood. So I still like him, but I'm okay with keeping seperation from him... the only thing that i see hurting me is if he brings some girl with him and is smooching her all over the place.

I did feel pretty weak when his sis passed comments, but last night i passed the same comments. Also, I've understood this group quiet well like you say, and i've promised myself not to leak anything personal into it, its a river, it'll flow all over the place. I stay strong with them now

Somehow my self esteem is back

probably because now I see its more of an issue of THEIR insecurities and not mine?

Thankyou so much for helping me see clearly. I so very much appreciate it.

Very Good Distressed,

Your replies are showing me that you are using your head much better now, in a more mature, intellectual way. Good for you. This behavior with this young man being mean to you is, infact showing you that he is very much similar to his sister. He has been learning from her behavior
and now he is showing you who he really is by being mean to you. You were in their game and now you are not. They are being challenged and they don''t like feeling the loss of control over you.

Using you anaylitical mind to stand back and observe this without feeling hurt, is very important. You have tested your own skill for resisting bad behavior and walking away from it, good, but it takes time and practice.
You have to remember to use your head and not fall into feeling a loss of self esteem.

Building up your own self esteem is your goal here. Some of your attraction to the situation is that you want to learn how to protect your self esteem. You have faced many different attacks on your self esteem with these people and you have received mixed messages that you havent figured out yet. Because you are a nice person and you really do not want to harm others, you are looking for the good in each person and wondering how to focus on that or even bring it out. In some way good is reaching out for good.

This is what many nice, good hearted people do not understand. They wish to be good and when they get bad in return, they do not understand. Actually, within the brain, the equasion does not work out, the brain seeks balance, and trys to find that balance with each attempt you make. As a matter of fact I have experienced this myself over the holiday and though I made every effort to respond to negetive with a positive, I had failed to bring out any positive in the other person. So,
I did my best to at least give the other person some ways of being a more positive balanced person and then I walked away.

You have to understand Distressed that other people you come across can have issues that you cannot fix with your goodness or being good.
You have to learn to protect you own goodness and remember that every time you cannot find balance in another person, that means you never will and walk away. You cannot let your own self esteem be damaged. You have to understand that it is not you or that you failed, it is the other person who failed to see their poor life skills and values and negetive output.

Many people form Social Phobias because they either seem to fail whenever their goodness is attacked or used, or if a person is the opposite, they are negetive toward others all the time so they end up being alone. Many times negetive people are people that may have been over controled by a parent and so they spend their life repelling any form of control, even when someone if trying to be genuinely nice.

Nice people also form fears because they cannot seem to use their positive and find a positive. Sometimes a young child that is very good hearted gets constant negetive input and faces negetive control so much that they end up retreating altogether with low self esteem and they tend to be over critical of themselves.

You were doing that in your first Post as you were beginning to become, OH, its me, its my fault, I am not worthy and so on. And what I have done for you is point out that you were only being used and manipulated.
After thinking about it you felt better and your self esteem came back.
But, you still came back and said, Oh I still have to be around these people I have no other way of meeting others. You are allowing yourself to put your self esteem back into jepordy.

We all put our self esteem in jepordy everytime we converse or socialize with others. The important thing is to recognize the people and personalities that will not respond favorably. Many people view socializing as a control issue, both with good people, and with people with social problems, so it is important for you to learn about it so that you are not constantly putting your self esteem at risk.

The only one you can really control is yourself, you cannot control others. So you have to know that going into any social situation, thus you begin to build self esteem. Those that learn to do this and are strong and protect their self esteem all the time, are often a draw for others who wish to do the same. But within that draw, comes different forms of lacking true self esteem, both positive and negetive. See?

Open Eyes