I don't work, can't (honest.) I don't really "do" anything fun or marvelous etc ... Now, I have been invited by a national conference center to come and enjoy a week (seminar of my choosing) with them... few get INVITED...( even those who want to go , have to go through channels to be approved)

It was being a tough week for me... so when I opened this letter, I tried to enjoy the experience...

BUT (and there's always a BUT with PTSD) now I'm getting so anxious and second guessing and trying NOT to get to the point of telling myself lies to rationalize not going...

I thought at first I would take the train! How cool would that be? I could sleep, or not, move about a little etc.

Not. The train can't go through New Orleans (um YEah, katrina damage) so I would have to go to the NE, lay over in Washington DC and then again in Chicago...and it would take longer and cost twice as much. So that's out.

OK, I'll take the bus! Not. It takes 2 1/2 days... I can't be restrained/constricted/immobile like that... would be sheer torture and pain/fatigue flare.

Ok... I thought about driving, but it would take me 3 weeks to do this one week of conference and that's not even thinking about finding gas stations, etc. no... I really can't do that either.

Now... fly? As I have "progressed" in my disability and PTSD I have been able less and less to fly...to the point where just thinking about it causes near unbearable anxiety. I know part of it is the noise... triggering me back to the thunderstorm when I was injured... and to Hurricanes that further traumatized me...

and part is the confinement... (get me out of here!) dehydration is a factor... I have already decided I'd leave my old service dog with someone who had offered in the past..so I'd be alone. (assuming he's still alive in 5 months... that's another thread I haven't begun... he's really having trouble breathing tonight. )

I have more to say on the matter.. I mean, what's in my brain right now.. but I'll wait...

I really want to be able to do this. I'm trying not to feel sad already that I can't do this... like so many other things in my life.