Hey guys I have been going through a lot of mental struggles for a while now and I feel the need to write it down. I have done a few the last few days, but I thought I would post this one so that I’m not talking to myself all the time. I realize it is quite long compared to the other posts on the site so I added a quick summary at the end. Can anyone relate to this, or know what my problem(s) may be? I know you are not therapists, but I would just like to talk about things…

I don’t know who I am. I don’t do anything and I waste my life. I am too nervous and pessimistic to go out and live a life. I don’t enjoy anything I do, usually I have no good reason as to why, but I always make up an excuse. I feel vulnerable if people see the lighter side of me and I try my hardest not to show it. Even if I really enjoy something or someone, I pretend that I don’t.

I seem to be passive aggressive sometimes and will just let things sit and tear me apart on the inside. It makes me hate everything especially myself. I take out my anger in everything around me. I see no hope for me and I have mood swings where I get very angry. I feel like I am alone in the world. I am so inferior to people. I wish I was more successful, more entertaining, better looking, and more confident. I seem to only be able to focus on the bad things of people and of my life. I get angry at myself for feeling sad and depressed.

I don’t see things the way that they really are because of the mix of anxiety, anger, depression, and feelings of worthlessness. I will tell myself lies sometimes, like I am normal and I am the best basketball player out there, even when it is not true. This anger causes me to make irrational decisions and judgments. I always wait for something bad to happen or wait for someone I like to betray me. It feels as if I have some sort of victim mentality and I can’t think for myself. I worry that my opinion may be wrong, or that I may present it in a way that will make me look stupid. I want to be influential and be able to let others feel what I feel and think what I think. I have no confidence in myself.

I don’t know why I do the things I do or think the things I think. I live in a normal house with parents who love me and provide very well, yet I get angry at them all the time and dislike them. Even when I am in good moods I will take shots at people through sarcasm and I will think it is funny, even though I know it is mean. I just hate being so angry and sad all the time. I get so worked up sometimes I just start shaking and will be on the verge of tears. The pain and anger feels so real and overpowering, I just have to run around and punch things and break stuff. I live such an easy life, yet I can’t handle the simple setbacks of life.

As an example I have always been interested in Level Design, you create levels for games such as Call of Duty. I did it for a while and got decent at it but as the harder parts of the job began to show up I brushed them aside and did not learn it. Soon I found myself getting angry that my stuff was no good and looking bad. When I tried to learn more I was overcome by feelings of hopelessness and pessimism. I felt that I would never be able to learn it and I would forever be stuck making crappy levels, so I quit.

I get angry every time I fail at something. It is just one more reason that I am useless. I just make excuses for my failures and never overcome them. I want to be successful but I am holding myself back. I am afraid of failure so that when I do try things I do it alone. When I go out running I will wait until I am home alone so that people won’t ask me what I am doing and then I will start to get nervous and not be able to run. My fear of people judging me keeps me from doing and succeeding at things all the time. When I played baseball I feared that I would make an error and I would disappoint my dad, I was just waiting to make a mistake so people would get angry at me. I felt it was easier to apologize for screwing up than to try my hardest to make the play. I almost wanted people to be angry and sad at me. I don’t know why but I felt like I needed to apologize for me.

When I talk about my thoughts and feelings they sound so silly and stupid, but in my head they control me. I have lost any drive to overcome this and I am letting it take over me. I am fading away into depression and I’m not sure if I will ever be normal again.

TL;DR
Very pessimistic, tend to have a victim mentality. Try not to show lighter side of myself. Anger and anxiety skews judgment and thoughts. Unable to do things I enjoy, feel like a failure and inferior. Fear of people judging me. I expect myself to fail, slowly letting it take over me.

I know I should go see a therapist, but I just don’t know, I don’t know how to do it.