frantic is the word that best describes how I have been feeling. I have always hated that word and its use to describe BPD: frantic attempts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Maybe I have hated it because it hit a nerve.

My thoughts, right now, are a little more centered. I talked to my best friend and to my sister both a couple of times today, and that helped. In a lot of ways I want to cut off contact with my T, because she has hurt me and I don't want to give her the chance to do that any more. BUT.

But. If I can somehow work through this with her, it will be huge for me. So much of what this is triggering in me is from my earliest childhood and my relationship with my mom. I have here an opportunity to work through some of this, and if I can do that then it will mean that this pain I am in right now will have a purpose. It will be for a reason, and it will result in me moving ahead and finally getting rid of stuff I have carried my entire life.

I also cannot stomach the idea of having my relationship with T end on this note. I have to give myself a chance to say the things I need to say and to know that I did my best and that I didn't burn the bridge while acting out of emotion mind.