Have you been to a therapist or anything before? I know you said you should see one, just was wondering if you ever spoke to one? You seem to understand quite well what you are 'going through' so that seems like a brave step in the right direction. You seem to be a very beautiful, strong, couragous, and loving person, you just need to find a way to believe that. Very wonderful post with emotion that I felt deep down inside because I struggled with A LOT of that until therapy. It never quite goes away, but therapy helps you figure out where it is coming from. All my prayers for you